I’M TIRED OR SOMETHING
My good friend just told me she is paralyzed with malaise. This is much the same situation I had just revealed to her. I sit here, with her in mind, wondering the same exact thing she tells me she wonders. I’d give almost anything to know what causes this malaise or something whatever it is. I never know when it is going to happen either.
Why does it come when it comes? It does not seem to matter whether you have big plans (goals to look forward to) or little inconsequential plans (no big deals going on) or none at all (no stress to get anything done). It happens whether I just finished a big stressful project (exhaustion from relief of putting forward a huge effort) or just returned from fantastic time off (let down from a lot of downtime back to up tempo living).
At one time I thought it was too much too look forward to, too many plans piled on top of each other. So I got rid of some of those too big plans and I still felt the same way. I contemplated that perhaps it was because I felt incompetent to get the targeted things done, or that I didn’t have the expertise to do it completely or sufficiently. So I began developing a cadre of competent advisors and confidants who I could rely on to help me. I still felt the same malaise. Knowing who to call on simply did not prompt me to call.
Then I thought, could it be that I am tired of life? Could I just be saying, “I don’t want to be here anymore and I’m bored with it all?” That’s suicidal talk if I ever heard it. But I’ve been suicidal before and seriously so. Being suicidal from age 8 to 32 is seriously, majorly suicidal and I should be an expert on feeling suicidal. After all, I am a suicidologist and I write books on how to overcome it, (“Just Because You’re Suicidal Doesn’t Mean You’re Crazy: The Psychobiology of Suicide”). Moreover, I know contemplating suicide is only an effort to make a person feel better. It is a simple and effective coping mechanism. Contemplating freedom from every daunting and incomprehensible problem promises peace and nothingness. But I know I don’t want death – I just don’t want this malaise.
Feeling suicidal can strip you of energy and desire. But I have desire. I have tons of desire. I have so much desire it eats me up. I don’t have to kill myself because it kills me just sitting here contemplating what I cannot get up and do.
It sounds like “depression” says my mental health counselor self. Well, this is not depression as noted in the bible of mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. I laugh at funny things. I sleep well. My appetite has not changed. I don’t feel like dying. I’m not persistently sad. I do things I have committed to do. I do my volunteer work and get plenty of satisfaction from it for as long as that lasts, which does not seem very long.
But what I am is tired and in pain and for some reason seem to be extremely bored. I am on the only regime of pain medication that can be done at this time. The pain is tolerable. I simply do not understand it. I have a mission in life – I know what I want to do, what I feel I am called to do. I have hundreds of unfinished undertakings.
Now comes the existential questioning. What in my life has given me pause to go forward?… What has disillusioned me so much that I cannot move towards my own goals?… What has given me the idea there may be no point in going forward? …What has happened and how am I interpreting it?… Has anything happened that has not happened before or has taken me by surprise and destabilized me?
Well, let’s see… doubt and financial insecurity…disappointed by unrealized expectations…disappointing news and loss of some opportunities considered integral to my ongoing plan of achievement… questioning my overall achievement plan as to its viability…my new diagnosis of glaucoma and celiac disease and a notice that a dear and long-time friend has cancer.
Well, let’s see…I guess if I were to be my own counselor, I could see why I felt stymied and “dead in the water” (maybe an unfortunate use of metaphor). I owe myself 100 bucks for professional consultation. Pay up. This is a cash business. And, not so dang amazingly, I do feel better. Thanks for listening.